What?

Have you ever been so beaten down by your life that you just want to ... I don't know... drink yourself stupid, sleep forever... run away?? Anything to make the tedium go away?

I find myself entrenched in day after day after day spent doing, not what I want to do, but things I HAVE to do. Day job, sewing, family events, even spending money on things that I don't want to spend money on. It seems each day I get up and the course that I want to set for myself is in direct opposition to the course that... who? The "They" ? Society? Life? God? has set for me.

I suppose the truth is less profound. I get up in the morning and I set the course. No one else does it for me. There is no fairy-tale character up in the sky pulling my strings, there is no edict that says I must do what I do each day. I do it myself. Why? Because I have bills to pay, obligations to meet, things that must get done. Money needs to be made, clients need to be satisfied, my job (which was once a lark to make some extra money to throw in the bank) is now a necessity of life, without which we would fail and be tossed out on the street, penniless and homeless. Demands are made of what little time I have left after work, working out, and sewing have carved out their exorbitant share.

This job was supposed to be temporary. Only til September, when my four goals were met. Then only til the end of the year, just to bank some extra cash for future emergencies. Now... it seems with the economy the way it is, I am back to having no choice but to stay in the workforce... and how dare I even complain when so many people are being laid off and unemployment is at its highest level in ages... right? I should get down on my hands and knees and kiss my boss's ass for letting me come here each day and get a paycheck when so many aren't, right???

As I recall, that's why I left the workforce to pursue my own business interests in the first place. And I was doing FINE at it - succeeding even!!! Then comes the job I wasn't even LOOKING for, followed by the salary *I can't refuse* and look at me... look at me. I am RIGHT BACK in the place that I was running away from two years ago in DC. Right back there. Sold my fucking soul for money, I did. And I don't think I will ever get a second chance at personal freedom and the right to set my OWN course.

This may just be it. This may just be how my life goes. Wash, rinse, repeat. At least until fate, or I myself, takes me out of it.

I'm Just Waiting for that Train to Smack 'Em!!

Ah yes you've got to love the stupidity of humankind.

Once again, as it was back in D.C., I find myself commuting to work each day by train and lightrail. I leave my house, walk two blocks to the lightrail, take the lightrail 3 stops to Union Station, and hop a train for a 30 minute ride to my destination.

So I spend a lot of time around trains/lightrails/tracks/the dregs of humanity.

My favorite train station game to play is *Who's gonna get hit by the train today?* Its great fun, and can actually get your heart racing in anticipation of that big meaty THUD followed by the crimson spray of blood, brains and body parts. There are three players that play this game, each with a good chance of winning.

First you have the Offroaders. There are two sets of tracks to cross to go from the train to the lightrail. These tracks have designated crossing platforms, raised, for ease of crossing. Every evening there are at least two passengers that bypass the crossing platforms, choosing instead to go offroad to cross the tracks. They jump off the edge of the platform at train's end, traverse the two sets of raw tracks, jump up on the platform on the opposite edge, and get on the lightrail.

If knowing that crossing the tracks is a $300 fine (a fact which they are reminded of every night just prior to exiting the train) doesn't stop them... accidentally tripping on train tracks and going SPLAT right in front of an oncoming train must not even be a consideration. I guess the offroaders just REALLY have to get to that lightrail. They can't miss that precious ride. You know, the one that comes every 4 minutes during rush hour...

Then there are the Runners. My money is on the runners to win the game. Again, the lightrail comes every four minutes or so, which for these folks must be an excruciating amount of time to wait, because they take off out of the train at olympic sprint speeds the minute the doors open. To their credit, they cross at the designated platforms. However, they neglect to watch for oncoming trains whilst sprinting. It must be neglect, because I cannot imagine seeing an oncoming train 15 feet away from the platform you are about to cross, and rationally deciding to cross it anyway. Yet they do.

Last but not least are the Scurriers. Once the runners have sprinted past the oncoming train, most of the walkers will stop at the platform and wait for the oncoming trains to pass. But there are always a few who stop, assess the situation, and using their superior mathematics skills, deduce that they have a split second more time before the train smashes them, plenty of time for them to scurry across the platform, train bearing down on them. The first scurriers always follow right after the runners. Then there one or two more who feel safe enough to go. Then a few more. Then one more. Then ... just... one... more...

I watch and wait. Because I know the impact will be spectacular.

Hmmmm...

Its been quite a while since I've used this blog. I was just sitting here reading some of these old posts (read: fucking around and not working) and thought, as I have been telling myself for the last few months, that returning to blogging might be good for my old brain.

For my brain is getting old. And getting old quickly :S

I don't know what I'm going to blog about, since I no longer live in Washington DC, and that was where all the action was ;) hahahha. Actually, I pretty much live in this little studio of mine now, 24 hours a day by 7 days a week. I even sleep in this room. Seriously. The fouton is in here (even though I have a perfectly nice expensive bed with pillow top mattress, etc... we sleep on the freaking fouton...go figure), the television, the xbox... the beloved computers... the sewing studio. Why leave? I mean, except to go get beer.... :D

Hahah beer.

I've been back to the gym for three weeks now, that's something to blog about. I was all about the gym and lifting and rollerblading until I broke my goddamn arm while rollerblading last September. Now, finally, I have been able to get back to lifting and... the elliptical machine, not rollerblading hahah... Thank god for muscle memory, its all coming back fairly quickly. Not as defined as before... yet... but it will get there :D

So much going on with aNGrYGiRL Gear ~ and why did I mix capital and lowercase letters in that brand name in the first place?? Its absolutely inane, yet it cannot be fixed now ~ I've opened an Etsy store, sworn off listing on eBay, and my websales are off the scales. I officially cannot keep up. Yet, I will keep up. You build strength when you accomplish the tasks you thought you had no way to accomplish. And I am one strong bitch ...

Fixin' (hahah been in Dallas one year and I'm already a Texan, y'all) to start looking for a real job again, now that the bankruptcy is behind us and I can go back to work again. Its been a long 9 months without my salary. I'm ready to be middle class again. Maybe.

I dunno.

Maybe.

Fuck.

You know what... Fuck. That's right, fuck.

OMG I think I have a rant. God bless America, I love blogging. It cleanses the soul.

Fuck. And you know why fuck? I WANT ANGRYGIRL GEAR TO SUCCEED. And its heading that way. Big time. Big fucking time. It is almost self supporting now. Its almost good money. Not good money like computer forensic engineer money, but good money like don't have to live in your mother's basement money. I'm getting notice. I'm thinking this might just hit... I have fashion shows coming up, I have magazine spreads coming up (e-zine, don't get too excited lol), I have new collections coming up, more deals with trade models on the horizon...

AND I

HAVE

TO

GO

MOTHERFUCKING

BACK

TO

THE

MOTHERFUCKING

DAY JOB

GRIND.

Back to the life of get up, go to work, come home, sew, sleep five hours, get back up, go back to work, come back home, sew some more.... wash rinse repeat ... come to be so fucking depressed on Sunday night that I just want to die. Spend all weekend NOT having fun and spending all those gobs and gobs of money that I will make working... but sewing. And always being behind.

And hating life.

And being depressed.

And being suicidal.

My god I haven't had even a suicidal thought since I left DC.

And they are going to come back.

And overall yeah I know I'm whining but fuck it its not fair. Why can't I be me? Why can't I be who I WANT to be instead of who I HAVE to be???

Who am I living for??? What am I living for?

Fuck. You see that now, right? Yeah. Me too.

*sigh*

Not bad for a first blog back. :S