Well thats just depressing

Gee I thought I did pretty well this weekend. I was hungry for most of it. I thought hungry equated to burning calories. Apparantly not. I even went to the gym, which I usually don't do on the weekends. Came in this morning to a one pound increase. Christ. I mean, I'd only lost 2 1/2 pounds. I didn't have a lot of margin to spare. That sucks. And to top it off its almost *that time of the month* and you ladies ALL know what happens then ~ watch the weight skyrocket as the bloating begins...misery :( Well, can't give up. Must persevere. The end result will be worth the work...I just want it TODAY damit * instant gratification girl*

The minute I hit my goal weight, I am gonna make myself the most awesome pair of bondage pants ever... :) hehehehehe

On a totally different train of thought, what's up with taking the elevator up ONE DAMN FLOOR? If you do this, and you're not physically disabled, you might just as well dig yourself a 6 foot hole and lie in it. Christ. I get on to the elevator this morning, and just like EVERY morning, someone jumps in ~ usually at the last second ~ and hits the 2 button. Ok, the stairs are like 3 feet away from the elevator bank. Are we, as a society, THAT lame? Do we need our remote controls when our TVs are three feet away from us??? Speaking of remote controls, I have one on my window unit air conditioner....in a one room apartment...not one *bed*room...ONE ROOM. What the hell do I need a remote for?

But yeah, every day without fail, some lame-O has to ride the elevator up one floor. Of course the second floor is where the important people work *the presidential appointees, etc* so its usually a stuffed shirt middle aged *important guy* whose entire ego is wrapped up in his Mercedes, or a super-corporate, overly perfumed and made up woman with 4 inch heels and a matching gucci bag. When one of those types gets in and pushes the 2 button, I seriously have to resist the urge to poke. or pinch. or just scream out TAKE THE FUCKING STAIRS YOU LAZY ASS. You'd think that if they were so important, they'd want to live longer so they could be important longer...instead of dying at 50 of an inactivity-induced heart attack *and Im sure all the years of McDonalds doesn't help...shit those people are too important to eat, they have to eat and run, usually ordering at the drive-thru while talking on the cel phone and simultaneously being horribly rude to the poor kid working at the window who's doing WAY too much work for $5.50 an hour...and probably takes the stairs and doesn't need their shit anyway.

What's worse you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Taking the elevator DOWN one floor. *rolls eyes*

I am going to work really hard this week to get the weight down to a respectable level. I will be happy if I'm somewhere around 132 by this time next week *barring the aforementioned monthly issue* I already have one workout under my belt, I get three more each week at work, and I might get in another on Saturday, if I feel motivated...

At the very least, I'll walk the stairs :)

One night of success...a night of failure planned

A sober Friday night!! *wow*

Oh don't worry, I intend to get fully plowed Sunday night...well, I will get as plowed as I can til the money runs out...hahah...so ummm maybe just a slight buzz, eh? :)

Have a few things ready for auction this next week, gotta move over to the sewing area here in a minute and get my butt in high gear and get a few more items ready to go. I also need to list my UO account...hmmm maybe i should do that first. Hopefully that will bring in a tidy windfall. For all the years of my life I lost in that game, I guess it should. A small victory.

Its a working weekend for me and the husband. No camping, hiking, grilling out, canoeing, etc...work. work work work. Right up til the time its time to go back to...work. So maybe I better get to work. oy.

Already gone

Staff meetings...finally over...brain...fried...must........sleep.

Its almost Friday. Normally good news, but I am fixin' to have a crappy weekend (yeah fixin' - I spent time in Texas - they're all fixin' to do things there). It's once again that time of year to mourn the passing of my youth. And I'm not terribly pleased about it this year for some reason. I guess I just see the end coming...you don't even notice the end coming when you're 16...hell you haven't even seen the beginning of it yet i suppose. You don't see it coming at 26 either. And here I am now at 36 and I tell you what...I SEE it coming. I FEEL it coming. Its breathing down my motherfucking neck and reminding me at every turn that it will never get better than this...youre the youngest youre ever gonna be, youre in the best shape youre ever gonna be in, the lines in your face are only gonna get worse, those one or two grey hairs...will be one or two HUNDRED before you know it....YOURE ALMOST AT THE AGE WHERE YOU NEED A GODDAMN MAMOGRAM!!! Jesus H tapdancing CHRIST when did I get so old??? I swear to you I don't know how the time went by...I was just 16 yesterday. Seriously.

All I know: Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal

And as I look back and reflect on the fact that I can't remember how I got so old ~ that the time literally blew by me SO fast that it WAS unreal ~ the next logical conclusion is that, while old age is still years and years away...

My future time will go past me equally as fast. if not faster.

I'm already gone, aren't I?

The Hotdogs Abandoned Ship & the Cookies are Evil

My hotdogs fell on the floor...*sob*...I forgot to bring a plate to heat them on, so I heated them in the samitch baggie I brought them in. Who knew? Samitch baggies apparantly don't care for 45 seconds in the microwave. Picked up baggy, bottom fell out, hot dogs all on floor...*sob* Been on this *diet* ~ not so much a diet as eating the right way like I KNOW I should *and staying away from the sugar cookies ~ but I was SO hungry...had been for like the previous hour...dreaming of lunch...that when the hotdogs hit the floor, I felt like dying. I brought no other food. I can't go to the cafeteria...those DAMN COOKIES are UP THERE...and like I said, they have NO respect for what I'm trying to accomplish. So, with a heavy *and mildly nauseated* heart, I picked the hotdogs up off the floor, gave them a cursory wipe with a paper towel, and ate them. They tasted fine but I swear I have foreign matter that is slightly crunchy and definitely NOT hotdog in my teeth. Thank god I have a toothbrush at work. What if I die? What if eating a floor-tainted hot dog kills me?? Maybe I will get lucky and it will just give me ptomaine and I'll get really sick and have to miss a lot of work and I'll be so sick that I can't eat and I'll lose the 11 lbs I have left to go in record time!! If I thought that would work, I'd be over there licking the floor *ok sorry...that's over the line gross* and so would half my coworkers.

Auctions were kinda slow again last night, been surfing the work of the fellow DIYers out there...got in a few bids too LOL...and yeah, it seems most of us are not performing at the level we'd like to be *are a few of us performing at a level higher than we deserve to be??* I guess we got a mini slump here, which is great if you're a DIY buyer - thank god im both because I got some wicked cool deals that I'm watching ;) I'm guessing everyone is outside enjoying the warmer weather instead of sitting indoors surfing their computer. Guess where I am??? hah. I don't go outside except to relocate...and there better be a computer with internet access at the the end of the trip. Enough of that anyway...

My creativity is waning as this second day of staff meetings is squeezing the last drops of life out of me. I have never sat in one place for so long...well, except at the last 3-day staff meeting. Thank god tomorrow is the last day of this. I can't wait to get in the gym tonight just to MOVE my legs. My knees are sore. Oh man, they were so sore last night I didn't feel like sewing. I got my listings ready to go, and that was about all I could manage. I woke up in the middle of the night with leg pains...got up to use the bathroom, could harldy walk. Went back to sleep but woke up an hour later with one of those leg cramps in my right calf...one of those things that feels like you pulled a muscle in your sleep...and you have to grab your calf and press that sore spot as hard as you can til the immediate throbbing subsides and you can go back to sleep. Calf hurt pretty bad this am too...did a little hobbling like an old crippled woman before it finally warmed up and I could move with my usual *grace*...heh

LOST A POUND in two days! yay! Would have done better had I not had that meeting yesterday in the cafeteria...why they have meetings there is beyond me. The sugar cookies...the fuckers...double dog dared me to eat them. So I had one, figuring it wouldn't be the end of my world. Can't keep eating those. That was the last one, until I get to my goal weight. Then I will have ONE more. Then I will never eat a sugar cookie again...

Back to the staff meeting....I can't believe we have this much *important* stuff to discuss....*waves*

Staff Meetings and other Nonsense

Did you know I work at ground zero? Yep right next to the US capitol. I can see it out my window *waves at US Capitol*. I'm not so comfortable working at ground zero...I have toyed with sewing a dress thats all black, with a big red and white round target on my ass and wearing it to work. Feds are so stuffy tho, they probably wouldn't like that too much. I've recently had nightmares where I'm down walking past the capitol and I look up just long enough to see two bombs dropping out of the sky, one on each side of the dome. In these dreams I'm like, OH SHIT *obviously...wouldn't that be anyone's reaction?* and being glad that I was far enough away that the explosions wouldn't get me...only to realize seconds later when the blinding light flashed that the bombs were nuclear warheads...and that's about the time I jump straight out of bed with my heart racing at about 239023457 miles an hour.

You know planes don't fly overhead in DC. Maybe you heard about the cesna on the news that was *oops* flying over DC last week and the jet fighters had to bring him down, firing warning flares across his nose *which i think would make me shit my pants if i were a pilot...but ummm id hope id be smart enough not to fly over DC airspace*. At any rate, there is rarely any jet noise in DC...no planes or helicopters overhead...no vapor trails in the air from planes. Its wild but you get used to it soon enough. Then you go visit a friend far away....and a plane goes overhead and you about jump through your skin wondering WTF a plane is doing there...duh. Its worse tho when you DO hear planes and helicopters overhead in DC...sitting there in my apt, sewing, and all of a sudden the helicoptor comes zipping by overhead...you wonder if its finally happened, if DC is under attack...or maybe its just a flight for life or a police helicoptor...but you never really know...and occasionally you hear the fighters fly over...and thats even eerier cuz you cant write those off as flight for life or the cops...

so thats the nonsense. back to the staff meeting....*waves*

Hung over on Monday....*dumbass*

Have you ever had an addiction? *hehe...yeah...buying DIY* anyhoo...I can stay out of the alcohol provided that its not available to me, out of sight = out of mind. Well my damn husband, who is just trying to be sweet, keeps bringing home wine. I tell him not to. I beg him not to. But he's bringing home beer regardless...and knows I'm gonna get into that, so to preserve his own beer supplies, he brings home wine for me. And Sunday night is a sewing night, so I didn't actually break into the wine until late...about 11 pm. And then I drank the whole bottle. Because that's what addicts do. THEN I got into his beer (turns out he also had rum, so he'd passed on the beer for the rest of the evening). This chain of miserable events led to the inevitable...I don't remember going to bed last night, somehow the alarm didn't get set...got woken up half an hour late by the phone *not my boss calling lol* and thankfully had enough time to blitz through a shower, throw on some clothes, and haul ass in to work. This is exactly why I stopped doing this a few years ago...this used to be my daily story, only not so bad, because once you're used to being drunk all the time, its easier to set the alarm clock, and get up on time, and survive work.

I'm reminded of what my mother used to say to me every time I acted up...*This old shit's gotta stop*...

Can you tell me why I can't let that shit go? Why if there's alcohol in the house, MUST I drink it? And ALL of it? And more if I can find it? Why can't I just let it sit there? Take this to the larger level, if there were say a dozen cookies in the house, why couldn't I just let them sit there as well, and not eat ALL 12???? LOL there weren't a dozen cookies in the house this weekend, for that very reason, but its all the same. It's an obsessive compulsive addiction I have to, well...everything I guess. Except things that are good for me like vegetables. Funny...there can be a whole freaking house full of vegetables and I can let those sit. I can straight up ignore the hell out of some vegetables. And fruit.

I feel like hell this morning. Must have been 2 am before I went to bed *as you recall, I don't remember much about that* and the phone rang at 7 am. So I'm operating on 5 hours of what was not *sleep* so much as *passed out*. What a fucking dumbass I am. I know better. I knew better when I started drinking. I knew better when I kept drinking. Im sure I knew better when I switched to beer...but by then, well, you know.

yep yep this old shit.....has GOT to stop.

Today is the first day of my public humiliation weight loss tactic. I have to set up a web page to display my *weight loss statistics*...I should be able to code that pretty quickly. Then I really am gonna post a link to it right on my about me page. By July 1st I want to be a lean, mean 125 pounds...which is probably too small for me but what the hell. I'll eat plenty of protein to keep my muscles big and strong. The rest of me can wither away....hopefully moreso in the *target areas* (and you know where those are) and not just in my bust...which seems to be the only place I ever lose weight no matter how hard I try :S I can't believe there's anything left to lose up there, but Im sure if I do lose this 15 pounds, 10 pounds of it will come from my breasts. The other 5 will come from my calves or some shit, so I will still look like the same fatass, only on littler legs and with no boobs. joy.

so far, I'm pretty much liking this blog *thing*...it does help to relieve the busy head. But man do I write a lot, and in the end, I really haven't said much.

I'm a lazy procrastinator

I should be working. I have things to get done, but I don't care to do them. Been doing some market research, seems DIY clothing is in a slump for sales right now, and it has been for about 2 weeks. Not sure why...I haven't been in this long enough to know when the seasonal cycles really are, so it could be that. It could also be that our economy fucking SUCKS and no one has money because they've spent it all on gasoline and food. I just heard "they" - whomever they are - are expecting food prices to rise again. Terrific. I spend $120 a WEEK for groceries right now...for just two of us...although I must admit it takes a LOT of food to keep my husband running...so he uses most of it hahah. And when did we all give up and decide that $2.30 a gallon for gas was ACCEPTABLE? We all just like shrugged our little shoulders and went *oh well thats what gas costs now* and went on about our trite little lives. HEY AMERICA??? Why aren't we kicking and screaming about this?!?!?! *oh but we're in a war and things just cost more during war time* - BULLSHIT!! We must of course realize that gas will never ever cost less than $2.00 a gallon now...never. Its become the *accepted* baseline, like $1.00 a gallon used to be back when I was in high school. We will never pay less again. Oh and you can bet in ten years, gas will skyrocket again...and we will all shrug our little shoulders and go *what can we do about it?* and we will pay out our $3.75 a gallon and go on about our trite little lives.

Some days I get so angry i could just fucking explode.

Anyway, gas has been expensive for a while *resists urge to pound something to mulch* and the DIY market has been doing well up til recently, so I'm not sure thats the full reason...maybe a combination of some seasonal slump and crappy economy and maybe even the fact that the market is now so deluged...everyone is selling now, so there's no one left to buy *except me* LOL...well, I'll ride this out and see what happens, what else have I got to do anyway???

Went to the new Star Wars movie last night. My husband's radio station had a VIP seating area and it was all free, with free food and free alcohol too...now how can you turn that down?? Well, we do live an hour and a half driving distance from the station (only 30 miles...but in the northeast the traffic is THAT insane) soooo three hours on the road round trip roughly equated to $20 in gasoline used, making it not THAT free, but I drank as much of the alcohol as I could to make up for it...j/k. The movie was great...there were some scenes when Hayden Christiansen was actually cute *im shocked* LOL mostly when he was full-on dark side...go figure. It set up the original Star Wars really well. I was sitting there thinking...I saw the first Star Wars when I was 7, and now almost 30 years later I'm finally seeing the answers to all the questions that those movies left open. Wild. Took em long enough...damn :) There were actually people in costume at the theater...even, what, 5 days after the movie opened? I guess the geeks aren't sick of it yet haha.

I should go work...I'd rather be doing something else...but I'm home alone on Sunday (husband is at work...someone has to keep rock radio rollin') and I have no car, and I don't really want to go outside - there are too many people in DC...so hi ho hi ho its off to sew I go.... :)

Why do they talk to me...?

I'm so antisocial. I have like two *offline real* friends in the whole world, and I don't actually ever see or talk either of them. The only person I really talk to is my husband, and sometimes I get so involved in my little world...either sewing or playing a video game or responding to email, that I'm even antisocial toward him. I suck. I don't particularly WANT to talk to other people. I own a cell phone...I don't know why. It only rings when my husband calls. Come to think of it, he's the one that insisted I get it...you know *for emergencies*. I haven't called my father in...months...mom called a few weeks ago but that's only because she hadn't heard from me since January (had it been THAT long?? shit...) and wanted to make sure I could still be counted among the living.

I don't know why I'm happier in my own head. Its not any kind of ego thing...I don't think that I'm too *good* to talk to other people. When I do talk, I don't *usually* find the conversation tedious (OH but there ARE those)...I just don't have much to physically SAY. Apparantly I have tons to say...I can write forever, as my blog tends to indicate. I have a lot on my mind *christ do I have a lot on my mind* BUT I DONT WANT TO BE SOCIAL...

I used to be social. I used to be a real party girl. That's because I was living my life in a wine bottle (well actually, I was living in one of those 5 liter wine boxes). When I'm drunk, I'm one social happy crappy bitch. Suddenly everything that's in me wants out and I can talk talk talk party party party happy happy happy. I quit living the blurry life about two years ago...and after 5 years of nearly zero sobriety...I woke up and realized that all these people I had been social with, I actually had nothing in common with. But this is another story for another day...

~How many times do I ask myself why, how many times?~

The question I'm posing today is WHY do they talk to me??? Strangers...perfect strangers on the street or at the store? Or, worse yet, in the elevator? Ok so I'm leaving the gym yesterday, and taking the elevator up to my floor. Dude gets on...and wants to have some freaking discussion with me. "Hey hows it going today?" "Were you just at the gym?" "What's that gym like, I've been thinking of joining..." I'm practially crawling into the corner to hide. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU...this is an elevator ride, not a date!!! OH AND HOW MANY TIMES must I answer the question...."How long did it take them to do your hair like that??" I must get asked this three times a day. and "where did you get it done?" and "is it your hair?" and "is it heavy?" and "didnt that hurt?" and then the worst part....they touch the hair...they always want to touch the hair...grab a braid, look at it...pat it...touch it...

WHY THE HELL are they touching me? a total stranger??? AAAAAAAAARGH

Ok I understand that I do not present myself as the average person when I walk down the street...I look like a damn freak, I know this. I know this garners a certain amount of attention. That's ok. People can stare at me. People can giggle as they walk past, or roll their eyes, or even...LOL...scream out "JESUS LOVES YOU" *yes that has happened on more than one occasion, usually in the walmart parking lot, which seems appropriate* But I would think this would dissuade people from talking to me, not prompt them to seek me out for a conversation. But it has the opposite effect. I am a FREAK MAGNET...and not the good kind of freak (for people like me are the good kind of freak LOL) the scary weird sort of freak...who for some reason must converse with me, must ask me about my hair...must comment on how much they LOVE my clothes and where did I get clothes like that and OMG I just love your look and I always wanted to do something like that but I never had the guts or my mom wouldn't let me or my husband didnt like it oh and do i have any tattoos or piercings and here are MY tattoos and piercings, wanna see them...and...and....wave at me (???) when I walk into a wendys to order food...or follow me to my car when im travelling asking me if im wearing stockings or nylons....*insert scream here*

maybe its my problem *hahahh roflmao...yeah MAYBE*

Hello...my name is cindy....

and I'm fucking insane. I intended to start this blog today, Thursday...but the gym called my name....and now its time for me to catch the train home. Interesting thing at work today though...posters are going up for one of our employees. I don't know her...I work for a huge federal agency with thousands of employees. She has gone missing. Three days now. From HERE!! She was at work and then *poof* she was gone. Makes me wonder what happened. It's her family that's putting up the signs, so its not like she's just missing from here at work *I couldn't blame her for that* and has gone home to put her feet up and watch Oprah. I'm here late now, and alone...as I mentioned, I should be catching the train...and I'm kinda freakin' wondering how that all went down.

<<<(5-20) This came in email today:

*name withheld*, a contract employee working as a Project Manager in ***'s Office of Management, Administration and Planning is missing. To the best of our knowledge, she was last seen in the hallway of *my* Building at approximately 1:30 PM on Monday, May 16, 2005. Her purse and coat were left in her office. Her family members, who expected to see her Monday evening, have not heard from her. The Metropolitan Police Department and the Federal Protective Service are actively investigating this case.

scary...>>>

Why do I want a blog anyway? I mean how fucking trendy of me. I have a mind that doesn't stop talking to me. It repeats itself too. It tells me stories over and over again that I already know *because I thought of them* I think that maybe writing them down will help these stories to escape. Maybe after I've been doing this a month or so I can go back and read this stuff and say, "wow, I really am insane" or maybe the diagnosis won't be so grim. They're not fun stories, or even evil stories, or even really stories...just thoughts...what I think when I see something...yep, insanity is gonna be the final verdict on this one.

Well, for example. Here is a thought. I am going to put myself through public humiliation. Why? I want to be a size 3/4. I need it. Desperately. I suppose I am not fat by anyone's standards *except mine and those of modeling agencies* - I am 5 feet 2 inches tall on a good day, extremely muscular and fit, I fall anywhere within the 130-140 lb range, and am currently wearing a 7/8...but I'm miserable about my size. I'm tired of displaying my goddamn corsets on a mannequin...it reeks of self loathing *hmmm* and I KNOW that clothes look better when modeled on a live human body. Well right now they would look like shit modeled on mine. I wanna be tiny. So public humiliation, right? I'm gonna post my weight once a week on ebay...right on my about me page damnit...if that doesn't keep me out of the sugar cookies *drooooool* then what will? And face it, at my age *oh theres a WHOLE huge blog topic frought with strife and suffering right there....age....can't wait can you?* if I go up, there is hardly any chance of coming back down again.

Christ someone just turned the lights off on me....HAHAHAH its bartime at work!!! 6pm...you don't have to go home but you can't stay here....roflmao...fine fine fine...I'm going to find me a train to the homeplace before I'm next on the missing list...