What?

Have you ever been so beaten down by your life that you just want to ... I don't know... drink yourself stupid, sleep forever... run away?? Anything to make the tedium go away?

I find myself entrenched in day after day after day spent doing, not what I want to do, but things I HAVE to do. Day job, sewing, family events, even spending money on things that I don't want to spend money on. It seems each day I get up and the course that I want to set for myself is in direct opposition to the course that... who? The "They" ? Society? Life? God? has set for me.

I suppose the truth is less profound. I get up in the morning and I set the course. No one else does it for me. There is no fairy-tale character up in the sky pulling my strings, there is no edict that says I must do what I do each day. I do it myself. Why? Because I have bills to pay, obligations to meet, things that must get done. Money needs to be made, clients need to be satisfied, my job (which was once a lark to make some extra money to throw in the bank) is now a necessity of life, without which we would fail and be tossed out on the street, penniless and homeless. Demands are made of what little time I have left after work, working out, and sewing have carved out their exorbitant share.

This job was supposed to be temporary. Only til September, when my four goals were met. Then only til the end of the year, just to bank some extra cash for future emergencies. Now... it seems with the economy the way it is, I am back to having no choice but to stay in the workforce... and how dare I even complain when so many people are being laid off and unemployment is at its highest level in ages... right? I should get down on my hands and knees and kiss my boss's ass for letting me come here each day and get a paycheck when so many aren't, right???

As I recall, that's why I left the workforce to pursue my own business interests in the first place. And I was doing FINE at it - succeeding even!!! Then comes the job I wasn't even LOOKING for, followed by the salary *I can't refuse* and look at me... look at me. I am RIGHT BACK in the place that I was running away from two years ago in DC. Right back there. Sold my fucking soul for money, I did. And I don't think I will ever get a second chance at personal freedom and the right to set my OWN course.

This may just be it. This may just be how my life goes. Wash, rinse, repeat. At least until fate, or I myself, takes me out of it.