It's Like a Spiral, only not so much....

Okay then, I've been sitting here staring at this blog editor for about 10 minutes. I have a lot on my mind today, and I have a lot of things inside me that really need to come out. But here I sit staring at this blog editor. Why? Oh I guess there are a lot of reasons. Am I gonna say what those reasons are? Probably not. Because I'm just sitting here staring at this blog editor.

Rode the train in the morning, was sitting thinking of corset ideas (my life is sooo interesting...can you tell?) and just staring out the window, watching the world go by. The train is a nice ride. Very relaxing usually. Today I sat up front near the engine, usually I sit in the back in the *quiet car* - no talking, no cell phones, no noise, you get the idea. I think after today that I'm going back to the quiet car. I hate sitting listening to people talk on cell phones, and these days, thats all you get, so to block out the cell phone chatter this morning on the train I went ahead and plugged in to the MP3 player and cranked some Lamb of God at maximum volume...(and really, who the FUCK are these people talking to on their cell phones at 7am???? If someone called me at 7am, there better have been a death in the family, because if not, I can guarantee you there's fixin' to be one). Ironic that to get the quiet I needed, I had to play Lamb of God at full volume....maybe its not so much the quiet I crave...I just don't want my space (even my aural space) to be invaded by other people.

In any case, I was sitting on the train, enveloped in the turmoil generated by Randy Blythe screaming in my head ~ ahhh the serenity :) ~ thinking about corset ideas. And about how great it would be to NOT be on that train but rather at home, working for myself as my own boss...hahahah yeah right. Pipe dreaming I believe is what they call that. It really depresses me. It depresses me to read the bios of others who do full time as I do in my spare time...how do they do it? How does anyone generate any acutual, palpable, respectable income working from home? Especially in DIY. Christ. My best ever sales months, BEST EVER, didn't equal up to one paycheck that I make sitting in this cubicle hell. And right now, I'm not even having a string of really great sales months. I'm just squeaking out powerseller status by a hope and prayer right now, I'm on the cusp of getting the dreaded *your account no longer meets bronze powerseller status* email... Of course some of it is my fault ~ I've been travelling sooooooo much with work, my commute time has doubled since I've moved to the suburbs ~ I don't have the TIME to put into my gear that I would love to have. I get maybe 4 hours a night of free time, 5 nights a week. 20 hours a week is not enough for me to make even 2 items. Not even close. So yeah, my time is rapidly constricting on me. And if you can't put out product, you can't sell it. Duh. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out how I can solve this problem short of not eating or sleeping any more, but I am fresh out of solutions. The only real solution is to quit my day job and jump into sewing full time...

The pause was me stopping to wipe my eyes...I tend to tear up when I laugh that hard...

*sigh* its the proverbial rock and a hard place. You want something different for your life than what you have, but your life is structured in such a way as to prohibit any deviance from the course you have already set. This is why so many of us end up alcoholics, or worse yet, statistics....

I also wonder why so many DIY bidders/buyers avoid me like the plague...if any of you reading this fit this description (which would be kind of odd that you'd be reading this, but stranger things have happened...) drop me an email explaining this phenomenon. Seriously. I want to know what the hell I'm doing wrong. Drop me a line at freak@angrylittledeadgirl.com. Be honest. I can take it, believe me.

I have a lot of spare time at work (which could be put to soooo much better use...) so I watch a lot of ebay...I watch A LOT. I see just about everything that goes on. And I see a lot of bidders who just go nuts on other auctions...but I've never seen them on my auctions. Yeah, I know, my gear doesn't appeal to everyone, but there are other sellers out there whose tastes and styles are very similar to mine, and these bidders, who go nuts on those seller's items (I can explain the *go nuts* thing in a minute, if i remember to) seem to not even know I exist. I mean it's strange...they bid (and bid high, which kind of = *going nuts*) on the work of these other DIY sellers but somehow manage to completely miss me. Hmmm. Maybe I've overexaggerated my presence in the market. I see a lot of sellers getting 1000 + hits on their auctions on a 7 day auction. I am lucky to get 350 hits in 7 days. Why is that? Why am I not being seen? Or worse yet, if I'm being seen, why am I being passed over? I just don't know...

I need to take aNGrYGiRL Gear to the next level. But I have no idea how to accomplish that given my time constraints and my apparent lack of market presence. I wonder, do people lack confidence in my sewing ability? Haha maybe I gotta add something in my about me page about how I've been *sewing since I was a little girl* or how *my grandma taught me to sew* or *I started sewing by making barbie clothes*....bah... I just hate that shit. It's so...I dunno, everyone just does it and the simple fact that everyone does it makes it absolutely repellent to me. I'd just love to scream out *I can fucking sew!!* .... hey wait this is MY fucking blog....

I CAN FUCKING SEW!!

Grand, now the three people who read this, and who already knew that, know it even louder than before...heh. No really, I have a sick innate talent for sewing. I guess I'm THAT anal and THAT much of a perfectionist and SOOOO left-brained that it fits my given abilities perfectly. I can also make any computer my bitch ;) And do math. Its all the same sort of thing. It's just something I can do, and do well, and do right. There's not much more that I CAN do well and do right, so I gotta take ownership of the few talents I have :)

Yeah so I'm kinda really down. I don't know what more to do to take this beyond...to ratchet this shit up a notch or two so that maybe, maybe...maybe....MAYBE...if I devoted myself to it full time, that I could possibly eek out half a semblance of an income at it. I guess I'm just going to have to work harder to A) convince people that I'm for real...that my work is worthy of a bid, and worthy of someone's hard earned money B) get some FUCKING ATTENTION. HELLO I'M HERE WHY AREN'T YOU SEEING ME??...that sort of thing. Not just attention in general, LOL. I draw enough of that just walking down the street and C) find the time somehow, somewhere, some way...to get out more product without sacrificing even a fucking TIDBIT of quality...

Just like I said...a pipe dream. The kind I will continue to have every Monday thru Friday morning, sitting on the train, watching the world pass by.