Spiral...

I am fully focused in my own head at this moment. There is no escaping it. God knows I've been trying all day but I CAN'T get out of it. Does anyone else experience this? I am completely focused...narrowed...sited...in one specific location within myself. Certainly there is an environment around me. And I move within it and among it...and I interact with those who share that space...but I'm not here. I'M NOT HERE.

I am focused in my head and I cannot leave. Everything and everyone around me is a blur. I can't concentrate on what people say to me. Hell I don't even know half the time that they're talking to me. All I see is the inside of my head. And maybe that wouldn't be so bad except that my head IS NOT quiet. It is a loud and horrible and angst filled place.

I'm sitting in it right now. Ever hate yourself so much you cant bear to consider the fact that youre still alive and taking up space? Ever sit somewhere and just repeat to yourself over and over again IHATEMYSELFI HATEMYSELFIHATEMYSELFIHATEMYSELF.... well I was just there. Over and over again. And the panic. The sheer panic panicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanic because ihatemyselfihatemyselfihatemyselfihatemyself....and thank god someone walked into the room because it forced me to shut the fuck up...I was just mumbling...because I really didnt want that particular coworker to think that I'd

FINALLY LOST IT

FINALLY SNAPPED

FINALLY WENT OVER THE EDGE...

because thats not the kind of shit that goes over well in the workplace or anywhere else for that matter. And I ran out of that room and ran here and I am so fucking FOCUSED in my BRAIN that I just want it to sleep. I just want it to stop. I just want to feel normal and I just want the FUCKING PANIC TO STOP.

But no, its getting worse.

Im shaking. Right now I'm shaking. And I typed all of this in like 3 minutes. Nonstop typing. And my fucking eyes are as big as saucers and still I dont see ANYTHING but a fucking FOG and that goddamn voice of panic and fear and self loathing and self hatred and self destruction. Holy shit I feel like my eyes are going to explode....

*a panic attack...narrated in real time...for your motherfucking reading pleasure*

I need...to scream...