Falling down the spiral

It's that time again, I can feel it coming. Yay. You know, I'm almost 40 years old and I'm NOT going to be using this plumbing, so why do I still have to live with its agony every month? I should get the works removed...unfortunately, no doctor worth a crap is going to agree to do that at my age, and I suppose there are health risks.

I don't know how bad this gets for other girls, but for me, its pretty amazingly bad. I've always had the pain...ever since the very first one. My mom used to give me whiskey with warm water to knock me out so I could have a few hours respite from the pain ~ and my mother is a straight-laced person *not a whackjob* so you know how bad it was if she was resorting to that. As I've gotten older, the pain has minimized...or maybe I'm just so fucking used to the gut wrenching that I don't even care any more. At any rate, I am thankful that it's minimized to the extent that I can actually HAVE a life during the first 48 hours.

What gets to me now is the mental thing. I go from being my *normal* self (as normal as that can be) to being a stranger in my own head. I have a history of mental illness (lol thats a blog for another day for sure) but most of the time its fairly well under control. I can exist and live day to day without doing any serious harm to myself. When this time comes, all bets are off. Some months are better than others...last month, for one. My husband actually commented that he noticed no change in me...just my usual weirdness. I had to agree...it really did not affect me last month. The month before was awful. At one point I was laying in bed crying hysterically, and I smashed my head against the wall a few times...*ouch*...maybe I shouldn't sleep on the side of the bed by the wall???

I don't know if the bad months are triggered by something, or if they just happen randomly. Overall, I find around this time that I just get self-destructive. Here is an example of how the spiral goes: I look at my auctions on ebay and hate every goddamn thing I make. I look at the work of other DIYers and feel so inadequate...everything everyone makes is better than what I make. I don't feel worthy to even be taking someone else's hard earned money. Then I decide everyone is doing better financially than I am at DIY. I look at the big powersellers. CHRIST they are RAKING it in. They can do this full time apparantly for a decent living. I can't. My sales are mediocre...sometimes good, more often blah. I have to have a day job. If I suck so bad, why am I still doing this? What the fuck is even the point of doing this... One time, it was so bad, I actually took the first steps to quitting. I erased my about me page...decided I was done. Decided I was ending those auctions and never looking at ebay again. Was gonna leave a goodbye note on a new about me page and disappear.

I don't remember what talked me down from that cliff...I think I may have managed to redirect my insanity...??? But I ended up putting back my about me page the next day...it had been much larger and more personal before (lol its out of control now), when I put it back I cut it down to a bare minimum...as much of a *death* as I could give it and still have it. Thankfully, I didn't end my auctions either, and four days later I was like, what was I thinking anyway???

Fucking nuts, huh? What started me on this blog was that I was just looking at another powerseller's items...and on sane days, I like to think that I'm doing *almost* as well as she is with her beautiful tattered dresses (who could I possibly be talking about....?) I'd like to think that I'm at least experiencing something close to the level of success she is having........then ~ is it reality that hits or is it insanity? I'm looking at her beautiful work thinking I'm doing NOWHERE as well as she is. NO FUCKING WHERE. She and I aren't even in the same league. She is wonderfully creative and talented artist and seamstress, I am a piece of shit NOTHING. Yep there I was not 15 minutes ago, heading down the freaking spiral....

I'm not coming out of it. I'm trying really hard. I thought getting this out of my head and into print would help. I think the best thing for me to do is stay away from ebay today. And stay away from pretty, thin girls...and stay away from everything else that represents something I desire to be, but have *in my estimation* fallen far short of achieving. That list is so long perhaps its better that I just leave work right now and go home and hide. But the husband is there and he won't let me hide...and actually, I have fallen so short of being a good wife and person, that if I go there my inadequacies will make themselves readily apparant, they will take cohesive form, they will see me, grin evilly, and come for me. Slowly at first, like they're taunting me, but they will gain speed. Soon they will be fucking CHASING me and I won't be able to hide and then I'll fall the rest of the way down the fucking spiral and lose my fucking mind.

What's funny is that in 3 days, I'll be perfectly normal again.

Hysterectomy, anyone?