This Life (IMN)

There's no point in reading this today. It's stupid. So go find something worthwhile to spend your time on.

No one...
No one could ever understand ~
My life's exhausted...

Monday. Hot and humid today. Deep in the throes of the monthly visit. Bloated beyond all belief, beyond all reason. My fingers look like fat little sausages. There are hardly even lines in my skin any more (except on my face...oh yeah, the bloating doesn't help the fucking face much...thanks). My rings are cutting off my circulation. I am uncomfortable in my own skin, which is nothing new for sure, except now its taken on a physical manifestation rather than limiting itself to the usual mental realm. Christ will this never end??? I figured out the math yesterday, I've been enduring this every month for 24 years!!! Twenty fucking four years!! Without even so much as a break. No *you've been a good girl take a month off*. 24 times 12? 288. 288 wasted weeks of my life. Divide that by 52 weeks in a year, and that's 5 1/2 years of bloated, agonizing, painful, mentally fucking insane bullshit. Thank god mother nature saw fit to dole this shit out in weekly increments, or I'd have taken a short leap off a tall building LONG before I ever got to 5 1/2 years.

Oh well, enough of that. I'm tired today. I worked so hard yesterday...nonstop...I completed three projects. I worked from 8:30 am when I got up to 12:30 am when I finally went to bed. I couldn't sleep last night, don't know why. Couldn't sleep this morning either after the first alarm went off...and thats usually when I sleep the best. The alarm went off, my brain went *oh lookie its fun time!!! Let's fuck with her head* and started to crank out so much bullshit, making me so tense, that I couldn't lay there anymore. Not even cuddling in with the warm husband helped...and that usually helps.

All work and no play....
All work and no play left me...
Sick!

So I guess I'm still trippin' down that spiral.

I got on ebay last night before I went to bed. I know better than to get on ebay when I'm *spiraling* but I guess I crave the feeling of inadequacy and relish the opportunity to destroy my self esteem. Saw a few cool things from some new DIYers...a few things I'd really like to bid on but...well...you know...the girl modeling the corset/top looks like shes 21 years old, 5'10" and maybe 100 pounds and although she probably hasn't eaten in 3 months, she looks great. I could just imagine my potato ass in this clothing. HAHA and I'd have to imagine cuz I wouldn't fit....even if I stopped eating for three months. And everyone's work looks so crisp and new and neat and interesting. My work, to me, seems old and stale and yuck and repetitive....and....and....

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Don't give a fuck about this
My life or any other
Just go away and let me hang

Fuck it. I don't even know why I wrote any of this down.