Ya know, I've done some pretty horrible things in my life. Very few things. But the few were really really REALLY bad. And you know I am totally overwhelmed with guilt...not for those horrible doings...but because I ate a snack bag of Funions last night. And a sugar cookie. One. And drank three beers. Wtf is wrong with me that I can't for once in a month enjoy a little snack food without having to drag around this lead coat of guilt for every damn morsel I put in my mouth? Sometimes...and this is scaring me...sometimes I have to resist the urge to go purge it all after I eat. I know that will eventually kill me if I start that habit (thats also why I stay away from the heroin) but I am SOOOO tempted. so tempted.
It is easier to NOT eat than to live with the guilt of actually having eaten.
For those of you who are naturally thin, or can eat whatever you want and not gain weight, or who have never had a weight problem: Fuck you. No offense *hahahah that sounds contradictory as hell* but live a day in my shoes. Fuck. You.
*ok ok...probably too harsh*
*reels self in*
Its just so frustrating. It's always been so frustrating. I've struggled with this for my ENTIRE LIFE. Well ever since the day I was about 10 and the constant media brainwashing finally convinced me that I was fat and ugly and would never find a man and that I had to go on a diet *for life* and lose 10 more pounds and....and...and... You know. Since then. And it really helps that I make clothing that, while I CAN wear it, does not look exceptionally flattering on me. I can't model what I create. I have to use a mannequin. If I modeled it, no one would buy it. They'd be all like....I don't want to go out looking like a chubbass! OH to be 5'10 and a 100 pound anorexic with no curves, so that I could make my shit look good. If I ever find that genie in a bottle, thats one of the three wishes. The other two wishes are 1) Bill Gates' money and 2) hair that is always long and perpetually braided and always looks good.
But until I find that genie....I get guilt.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Call this therapy - a *graphical exorcism* - maybe these things that go *bump* in my head will find a crack and escape now that they're written down.
About Me
- angrylittledeadgirl
- Find my work online at
aNGrYGiRL Gear
aNGrYGiRL Gear on Etsy
AttackoftheCraft Forum
4 comments:
Oh my dear girl! Be careful what you ask for. The grass is certainly not always greener on the other side of the fence!
I happen to be one of those girls that you stated in this post. It's not fun lemme tell you! I had to grow up with everyone hounding me thinking I am anorexic or bulemic (and still do). I've had guys that wouldn't date me cause I was "too skinny" & "no one wants a bone but a dog. I like my women curvy." I strive every day to try to gain 1 single freaking pound to no avail. My 12 year old can wear my size clothes. If I don't eat all day every day I lose weight. I look in the mirror every day & see a skeleton. My face is too thin & my cheeks are drawn in. I feel ugly while someone like you thinks I'm so lucky. I hear that every day as well when I would so gladly switch bodies with any of you...ok not exactly any. LOL But you get the point.
So don't be so hard on yourself. Because it's not easy being skinny! There's a down side to everything. Sometimes we're just not happy with the bodies we're given.
It probably doesn't count for shit but I think you're perfect just the way you are. And you look damn good in the clothes you make! And you deserve to eat a snack sometimes. You work your little fingers to the bone creating beautiful things to sell & work your ass off at the gym. You deserve it! So quite feeling so guilty!
Can I get a "un fuck you"? LMAO!
I'd like to say I think you look great. I think being thin...overly thin, skinny is not healthy. Look at the Marilyn Monroes and Bettie Pages of yesteryear. Shapes and curves are what really turn a guy on. Not the waife look. The "little boy but really a girl" look. If you ask me the ultra skinny wave of women today is a reacion to men subconsciously exploring the other side of their sexual nature, without having to admit they are gay or bi. I look at those women with A cups and protruding pelvic bones and say "eww". I'd pick you over Nicole Kidman any day of the week! So stop being ashamed of how you look and put those hot dogs on some buns! I'm sure your husband agrees. If he doesn't then he's blind!
Okay, I could comment for hours and hours and hours on everything you write. But, this especially touched home. I've struggled with weight my whole life, too. Up and down and up and down. When I was in HS, I weighed 115, wore a size 5, and worried over the pinch of skin I could get on my thighs. At 25, weighed over 200 lbs. Then, I lost 55. Now, I've gained about 15 or so back. And no matter what weight, I feel ugly for having curves and a belly and thighs. I, too, long to be thin thin, yet think the pre-pubescent boy look is ugly on a woman. I love to look at a curvy woman, but hate being one. AND I HATE FEELING GUILTY FOR EATING! But I always do. :/
I guess we have to stop doing this to ourselves. Society isnt going to stop doing it for us. Always bombarding us with its opionion of what *pefection* is...not too skinny not too fat...
argh. maybe if i werent such a fucking perfectionist.
Id go get drunk and get over it, but i cant afford the calories of a glass of wine. instead i guess ill just have a glass of...whine...hahahah...bad joke i know.
im about as funny as i am thin :S
Post a Comment